recurring.

Though I was deep in sleep, I clearly remember kicking at the blankets as my body broke out in a sweat. My clothes were clinging to me now... and I desperately wanted a shower. I could feel my eyes tightening around the blurring edges of the images in my mind. My body was reacting oddly, as if it were a nightmare.

I was in a huge, bright classroom with my head bowed over a detailed sketch of the night sky. I was shading in the moon when he appeared at the desk beside me, leaning in closely over my shoulder. I quickly began to drawn an X through the sketch. His appearance unnerved me and brought a slew of memories I didn't know I had. Laughing and running my fingers through his dark hair, standing closely in empty halls with our heads bowed in deep conversation. With these new memories also came a sudden wave of uneasiness. The feeling was accompanied by a strange feeling of acceptance.. no... was it surrender? I could feel that something bad was coming as the edges began to blur again. Still, I felt oddly relieved that it had come to this. I couldn't bring myself to look up but I could feel is eyes on me as he picked at the strings of my book bag.

Even in my dream, his voice held the same steady tone that drove me crazy.

"Were you... nervous earlier?"

When he talked, my mind began to wonder to a conversation we apparently had earlier in the day. I could clearly see myself chattering nervously to him... the words running together or just not coming at all. I nodded slowly, realizing there was no point in lying anymore. I didn't have it in me to deny anything. I was tired of the charade. It was best that he know. Though I wasn't going to volunteer any information on my own, I knew I wouldn't deny any conclusion he came to on his own.

After a short pause, I curtly responded.

"Yeah"

I could see his face contort in an unreadable way as he leaned back in his chair, avoiding my eyes. My confirmation of this little fact was all he needed to tie the loose ends together. He realized in that instant that I was hopelessly enthralled with him. I waited for it to come... ready to get it over with. The words were in my mind before he spoke them. I wonder if he would spare my feelings or be blunt? Part of me yearned for the latter, because I wanted it all to be over with. I wanted to go back to the way things were before I had given myself away.

It took a moment before he spoke again and when he did, my mind was already miles away. The edges kept blurring, and I bowed my head to hold to this dream. I needed this... to hold on to when I woke up. As odd as it sounded, I felt like this dream... however fake it was... would bring the closure I needed in the tangible world. His voice wasn't severe or harsh. It seemed as if he, too, were also far away from this moment. He was distant, yet apologetic as he struggled to find the right words.


"It's just... you're so... young..."

I already knew what he meant. Not young in terms of physical age, there were barely two years between us. But in terms of maturity and life experiences... he was right. I had already came to this conclusion on my own many times before. Maybe that's where the strange sense of acceptance and surrender came from. I was the cute, innocent, fragile friend he could tote around for a good time. I could make him smile and we could probably laugh for hours over mindless things. That was it though. For awhile, that had appeased me and kept me sane. But now...

The edges began to blur again and this time I didn't fight it. I let the images fade away as the sun filtered through my eyelids.