recurring.

Though I was deep in sleep, I clearly remember kicking at the blankets as my body broke out in a sweat. My clothes were clinging to me now... and I desperately wanted a shower. I could feel my eyes tightening around the blurring edges of the images in my mind. My body was reacting oddly, as if it were a nightmare.

I was in a huge, bright classroom with my head bowed over a detailed sketch of the night sky. I was shading in the moon when he appeared at the desk beside me, leaning in closely over my shoulder. I quickly began to drawn an X through the sketch. His appearance unnerved me and brought a slew of memories I didn't know I had. Laughing and running my fingers through his dark hair, standing closely in empty halls with our heads bowed in deep conversation. With these new memories also came a sudden wave of uneasiness. The feeling was accompanied by a strange feeling of acceptance.. no... was it surrender? I could feel that something bad was coming as the edges began to blur again. Still, I felt oddly relieved that it had come to this. I couldn't bring myself to look up but I could feel is eyes on me as he picked at the strings of my book bag.

Even in my dream, his voice held the same steady tone that drove me crazy.

"Were you... nervous earlier?"

When he talked, my mind began to wonder to a conversation we apparently had earlier in the day. I could clearly see myself chattering nervously to him... the words running together or just not coming at all. I nodded slowly, realizing there was no point in lying anymore. I didn't have it in me to deny anything. I was tired of the charade. It was best that he know. Though I wasn't going to volunteer any information on my own, I knew I wouldn't deny any conclusion he came to on his own.

After a short pause, I curtly responded.

"Yeah"

I could see his face contort in an unreadable way as he leaned back in his chair, avoiding my eyes. My confirmation of this little fact was all he needed to tie the loose ends together. He realized in that instant that I was hopelessly enthralled with him. I waited for it to come... ready to get it over with. The words were in my mind before he spoke them. I wonder if he would spare my feelings or be blunt? Part of me yearned for the latter, because I wanted it all to be over with. I wanted to go back to the way things were before I had given myself away.

It took a moment before he spoke again and when he did, my mind was already miles away. The edges kept blurring, and I bowed my head to hold to this dream. I needed this... to hold on to when I woke up. As odd as it sounded, I felt like this dream... however fake it was... would bring the closure I needed in the tangible world. His voice wasn't severe or harsh. It seemed as if he, too, were also far away from this moment. He was distant, yet apologetic as he struggled to find the right words.


"It's just... you're so... young..."

I already knew what he meant. Not young in terms of physical age, there were barely two years between us. But in terms of maturity and life experiences... he was right. I had already came to this conclusion on my own many times before. Maybe that's where the strange sense of acceptance and surrender came from. I was the cute, innocent, fragile friend he could tote around for a good time. I could make him smile and we could probably laugh for hours over mindless things. That was it though. For awhile, that had appeased me and kept me sane. But now...

The edges began to blur again and this time I didn't fight it. I let the images fade away as the sun filtered through my eyelids.

part 2.

for alex, the night had ended a few hours prior. he had gone out with the cute blonde girl who worked at the campus advising center. she was more than cute, really. blonde hair and one of those ridiculous bodies that hurt just to look at. alex had spotted her during the first few weeks of the semester. he found a good enough excuse to stop by and ask some questions advising. he couldn't even remember them now, but he was sure she knew he was full of it.

as it turned out, the girl knew his roommate's girlfriend pretty well. the girls were close friends in high school. alex made a mental note to ask about her later. when he did, he found out the girl was in fact single, a little on the shy side. after weeks of him wandering into the advising center and seeing her around campus, he asked her out. he honestly hadn't expected her to accept his invitation, to which she responded, "yea, sure"

unfortunately, the girlfriend forgot to mention that this girl was boring. alex picked her up around 8 so that they could grab some food before the movie. he asked her what she was in the mood for. he suggested sushi.

"I don't eat meat. Do you know what animals in the food production industry go through? It's disgusting, really..."

alex knew it was going to be a long night. she didn't talk much, but when she did, something condescending came out. why hadn't he noticed this before? he silently thanked God when his roommate called halfway through dinner to bail him out, if necessary. by this time, they had been eating in silence for several minutes. alex noticed that she occasionally looked around the restaurant with this smug, bored expression on her face. if anything, he should be the one disappointed. he hung up the phone and looked at her helplessly.

"that was my little sister. she's stranded on 85 with a flat tire. i'm sorry..."

"she can't change a tire? how old is she? that's like, the first thing my dad taught me when I started driving..."

alex didn't even have a little sister, but the comment still offended him. he resisted the urge to leave her sitting there with the bill. he waved down the waitress, and within minutes they were driving back to her place in silence. she didn't thank him for the meal or anything, just muttered a, "see you around" over her shoulder as she got out.

hours later, he was back at his place, sitting up with his roommate complaining about the evening he had. by 3am, he was crawling into bed, wondering why he couldn't find a decent girl to have a good time with. that's when his phone started blaring. he knew that no one could be calling about anything good at 3 am in the morning. who could it be? his mind shifted to his mother, maybe his younger brother had gotten hurt? or some other grave emergency back home.... which was hours away from his shabby apartment in charlotte's university area.

he grabbed the phone, hitting the silence key in the process. his eyes scanned the display. chloe anderson. he almost didn't recognize the name. then he remembered, the punk girl from his statistics class. she had been in his study group. an image of chloe slowly formed in his mind. her dark, short hair, the piercings. not his type, but really cute. what could she possibly want?

"hello?"

music blared into his ear, and he held the phone away from his face. chloe's voice finally came in from the other end.

"Hello? Hello.... Jess, I can't hear you. It's Chloe!"

from the first "hello" alex could tell she was wasted out of her mind. he chuckled a little, realizing she obviously hadn't meant to call him.

"Chloe... you have the wrong number."

"Jess! Look, if you can hear me, I really need a ride. I'm stuck at this party..."

Alex raised his voice, "Wrong number!"

"I think it's like, University Circle apartments, okay? It's like... off the boardwalk. Can you come get me? I really wanna leave... I don't know anyone..."

the last sentence came out as a wimper. her voice had steadily gotten more uneasy as she rambled on. she obviously didn't realize she wasn't talking to jess. his phone beeped to signal the end of the call. he laid back in bed, knowing that he probably wouldn't sleep now. even if the girl wasn't a close friend... he couldn't just leave her. university circle was practically a 15 minute walk from his own complex. the place was known for some pretty wild parties. the cops were out there every weekend busting underage drinkers. how old was chloe?

alex figured it wouldn't hurt to at least stop by the place. stay with her until she called whoever she meant to call. maybe score some free beer. the last thought was all the motivation he needed to slide on his shoes and a hoodie.

6am.

one drink, two drink, three drink, floor.

friends.
that's it.
nothing but friends.
which is better than nothing, yeah?

i repeat that while in bed, a sorry attempt at sleep.

i'm thankful that God... or whoever... was merciful enough to bless me with such a level head.
it really balances out this heavy heart.

watchmen.

two hours and 45 minutes after arriving, the credits were finally rolling. everyone piled out of the dark theater into the dimly lit lobby. my eyes had barely adjusted to the light when you randomly placed a hand atop my head. You towered over me, and it took a minute for me to catch a glimpse at you from under your long arm. You were smiling slightly, gauging my reaction.

"hi"

I really hate it when people mess with my hair. Especially at times like these when it wasn't cooperating with me. But all I could do was smile at the familiar gleam in your eyes. I wonder if that's why you did it in the first place... wondered if that was why you did anything when we hung out. to see me smile?

I took a step forward, raising on the tip of my toes to place my right hand on top of your head in the same fashion.

I mimicked your sly grin, "hi"

butterfly bandage.

"you have to realize that some of these kids aren't going to college to be happy. they're going because they need money to take care of their families."

the line struck a chord with me, as i realized it hit close to home. as much as i loathed my major and the people who surrounded me... i wasn't here for my own personal fulfillment. i knew coming into college that i "finding myself" and those lasting college memories were going to take a back burner to the real reason i was here. i was here because i was desperately trying to break the cycle of poverty and unhappiness i had grown up in. it wasn't about me... it was about the people who depended on me--the people who literally needed me--to succeed. failure was not an option at this point.

was this going to be the story of my life?