happy and naive.

"so, i wasn't aware we were friends again"

he avoided her gaze, not before she could catch the grin spread across his face. she smiled at his response, sitting with her legs crossed in front of her on the couch. her beat up red sneakers were neatly placed on the floor below. she slid out of the dark blue cardigan and draped it across the couch. he loaded the disc into the dvd deck with his back turned, going on about how the movie would melt her face off with awesome. her eyes glanced over him quickly, realizing that he was wearing the same clothes as the night before. the night where they both said things that they didn't mean. things that they would never mean. it hit her suddenly that he probably had been up ever since. what had he done in the hours since? her heart ached a little at the thought of him losing sleep over someone else.

she was entertaining these thoughts when he turned to lay on the couch, his body crushing hers. she laughed again, extending her legs as he repositioned himself so that his head rested in her lap. she examined the side of his face carefully, her eyes guided by the glow from the tv. she wasn't quite sure how to react, never being this close before. it made her uneasy, almost angry that he was so comfortable being this close to her. while her heart was thumping violently against her chest, he lay there with apparent ease. he must have felt her eyes because he made a punching motion at her nose before letting his hand fall to caress her knee.

"one of these days," she muttered, "i'm going to break that fist"

he laughed sheepishly. "i'll be waiting, kid"

previews begin to roll across the screen as she babbled over her words. being enthusiastic at the right moments, nonchalant at others. all the while she flitted with her hands, unsure of where to put them. they finally rested nervously across her chest. her focus shifted to the screen as the movie began. she laughed out loud at the sight of john cusack.

"high fidelity?"

he smiled again. "so you've seen this?"

"who hasn't?"

his response was muffled by a yawn. she could tell he was exhausted. her hands flexed uneasily against her chest. the insomnia was getting to him. though he never talked about it, she knew it had to be a pain to deal with.

"how long has it been since you slept?"

"days. i mean, you would think it's great... having all night to get shit done. but it's crazy. i'm too tired to do anything, but not tired enough to sleep"

before she could stop her hands, they were running through his dark hair in a soothing, protective way. she half expected him to recoil from the sudden motion, but he didn't. she could feel him stiffen slightly before relaxing again, bringing an arm across her lap. neither of them spoke for a moment. she wondered if this friendship would ever get any easier. his breathing slowed and his eyes drifted close. she could see him fighting off sleep.

"just sleep," she whispered, fighting the urge to laugh.

he shook his head tiredly, "how are you going to get home if i fall asleep?"

"i'll just pat you down and take your keys," she mused. "don't worry about it, just sleep"

he was silent again, and she assumed he was finally drifting asleep when he spoke again.

"so, for the whole 12 hours that we weren't friends... I missed you. I'm glad you're here"

his words were clear and distinct, but she didn't respond. he didn't force her to. instead, she put all her attention on the television screen. what was she doing here? staying away was obviously no longer an option. the constant anxious feeling she felt in the pit of her stomach when they were apart kept her up at night. but that would pass eventually, wouldn't it? if only she had the restraint. being this close to him was nearly just as bad.

but at least here, she could see him. she could touch him, hold him even--if she dared. here she could be the comfort he needed. whenever he called she knew she would come running. she wondered if the same applied to him? if he was in her situation... would he make himself so disposable? the thought made her uneasy.

her hands continued their course through his hair until his breathing became slow and even.

sleep

"This pain is beating, I don't feel real. I don't feel real..."

The voice flowed effortlessly through my ear buds, waking up everything that lay numb inside. All the aches that I had manged to lock away for the past few months were catching up to me. I squeezed my eyelids together in an attempt to drown out images of the night, and of every night that led up to this point. The alcohol was wearing off and with it went the anger that I felt for him. The anger I felt for myself for allowing my emotions to interject. Anger had turned to pure, unfiltered sadness. I only found solace in the fact that he would never get to see me like this.

huh.

I'm starting to think that maybe boys just don't like me.